“Running Through The Thistles”

One of the key lessons of pastoral ministry, for me, came in the late ‘90s as I prepared to say goodbye to my first charge. My superintendent at the time gave me a small booklet called Running Through The Thistles by Roy M. Oswald.

While focused on a pastor’s departure from a congregation, Oswald actually starts with a story from his own childhood. He and two older boys would walk to school (back in the one-room schoolhouse days) barefooted. But there was a short cut through a field that took out a lot of travel. But there was a catch: you had to go through a briar patch if you went that way. Otherwise, it was no savings of time.

Oswald relates that they would usually just simply go around the long way to and from school. However, a few times, when the fish seemed to almost call to them and nothing stood in their way of going fishing once they got home, they would decide to take the shortcut through those thistles. He then explains how they would gather their courage, and then run as fast as they could until they got through those thistles.

The problem, he writes years later, was that once they hurried and got through them, was that they had to then sit down in the field and one by one, painstakingly, remove each and every prickly thistle… and it actually took longer than if they had simply gone around the barbed barrier.

His point in relation to departing pastors is that there are two choices of how a pastor says goodbye to a church and a church bids a pastor farewell. One is to do the hard work of celebrating relationships, reconciliations, and forgiveness; much like Oswald’s long way to school.

The other is to hurry and just ‘get outta there’ as fast as you can. That’s like running through the thistles. When we try to separate ourselves from the experience so that it ‘goes faster’, we actually leave a legacy of pain and hurt, distrust and hesitancy. Thus, when we meet the people in the next church or try to welcome the next pastor that comes, we’ll start with the same issues and concerns we thought we had left behind. We’ll be years trying to pull out the thistles, and those thistles will influence every relationship in the context of church from then on.

So, I choose to take the long way out. I want to celebrate the ministry we’ve been able to do together and grieve for the ones we’ve had to say goodbye to during our time together.

Already, there are some who have tears in their eyes as we talk about what’s yet to come. Others, not so much.

And for the sake of both groups, and for me as well, this is STILL a time to seek reconciliation, forgiveness, healing, and restoration. After all, we’ve been praying in worship for some five years together asking that God forgive us only as much as we have forgiven others. (“forgive us… as we forgive…”). When we feel offended or hurt, our response is like a requisition asking God to treat us the same way whenever we fail, mess up, and sin. And God has been listening all these years.

So how about it? Let’s take the longer, healthier path as I draw closer to my departure next month. Let’s make sure that there is nothing left for us to have to deal with years from now. Let’s talk together, let’s pray together, let’s forgive one another, let’s celebrate what we were able to do together in ministry… Because this isn’t the last time we see each other. Every single one of us is just one missed heartbeat away from eternity. And as ones who believe in Jesus, our plan is to spend all of eternity together with each other in his presence. Let’s get any unfinished business taken care of here, now.

The Staff-Parish Relations Committee (the old “PPR”) has set up a final informal gathering, set for Friday, June 17th at the church camp. And then, on that Sunday (6/19), we will worship together for the last time with me as your pastor.

God Bless!               

Pastor Dayton

“I thank my God through Jesus Christ for you all…” (Romans 1:8a, NKJV)

(from Reynoldsville: First United Methodist Church's May/June 2011

newsletter: "The Sound of the Trumpet")

Christianity on the Gogh

This was my pastor's Easter letter this year. Clicking on the image ought to bring up a larger version.

Inclusivity

I was at a meeting a few days ago where we tried to elect a chair of a group. Ought to be pretty simple, right? Everyone of us was an ordained pastor with college educations and masters of divinity degrees.

An hour passed and we finally elected five people to serve as a "team" of leaders with the highest vote getter expected to be the 'convener' who would act as THE chair when we needed someone to represent the group at conference events.

The thing is, our bishop had released us to go to our meetings with the idea that we were trying to 'discern' what GOD wanted... and WHO God wanted... as our chair.

Now, by my understanding, to discern what God wants is akin to saying find out God's idea and then go with God's idea. After all, if you aren't going to follow God's directions, then why ask what God's will is?

But before we voted, we were subjected to parliamentarily confusing procedures (that not even ROBERT with all his rules would recognize), specifying that IF the vote didn't go the way we thought it ought to with the right 'inclusivity' then we would add some people to the 'team' to better reflect the inclusivity of our church.

We prayed and listened for God's leading and then each one marked their ballot and submitted what we felt we had heard God say. And five pastors were chosen.

And, lo and behold, 3 of the 5 chosen were white men and 2 of the 5 were white women. Apparently God must have made a mistake because there were no other minorities represented. SO... the tellers were instructed to find someone of color that got some votes. And that person was added to the team and thus, now, God's error was corrected.

HUH?

Can we honestly claim that we both heard God when we voted and discerned the top five and then also claim that we have to correct the results of the discernment process? Do we really believe God helps us discern? Because it seems more like we believe WE have to fix God's discernment process!

And personally, if INCLUSIVITY is going to be the standard by which we judge God's will and God's discerning process, then why did we only ask about whether we were inclusive of gender and race. Were we inclusive age-wise? How many elected were in their 20s? 30s? 40s? 50? 60s? Isn't that part of being inclusive?

How about being inclusive of geography? How many were from the Pittsburgh area? How about Connellsville or Erie or Kane Districts? Isn't that part of being inclusive?

How many were pastors of large membership churches? How many from small membership churches? Isn't that part of being inclusive?

How about the liberal/conservative realm? Or the people who have brown eyes compared to those others? How about the bald ones vs. the full head of hair ones?

At what point does the fallacy of 'inclusivity' get recognized as just one more DEMONIC way of DIVIDING people?

Now understand, I am personally in favor of trying to be fair to everyone... but as the church we claim that we are ABOVE the practice of treating people differently because of race, creed, gender, etc. So why are we now making such distinctions so important?

And the particular man of color that was selected happened to be African-American, but were we slighting the native-American pastors or the Asian-American pastors or the Hispanic-American pastors? Will he be able to speak for the minority women? A white male apparently can't be trusted to look out for white females... so how's a black man going to speak for an Asian woman?

Now, I happen to respect that particular man, and I think he can be a great help to any team he's a part of... but what are we saying when we claim that we voted based on what GOD spoke to our hearts and he was not elected... but we want him on our team, not because he has anything of value to offer but just because he happens to have been born with the right skin color we want to be seen with for political appearances?

I am embarassed. I am disgusted. That man has MUCH more value than just being black. His skin color has NOTHING to do with his ability to be a good pastor or a good representative for a bunch of pastors.

And by putting ourselves in the place where we claim to hear God and yet we then have to 'correct' God's revealed will as discerned by the body, then aren't we setting ourselves up as being more wise and more just than God is?

Is that really a smart move?

Let's resolve to STOP looking at whether someone is black or white or male or female or rural or urban or old or young and let's just SEEK GOD AND HIS WILL! And then luet's just do it!

"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you as well."
--Matthew 6:33

Still A Good & Faithful Servant

One of the events of this summer, the day I actually returned to duty after my sick leave in fact, was the celebration of the ministry of Reynoldsville's newly designated PASTOR EMERITUS, The Rev. Leo C. Cramer. We celebrated the 50th Anniversary of his ordination as an elder in the Methodist tradition and we recognized him publicly for his ongoing invaluable ministry with , and among, and to, our congregation. We had wanted to get something into the conference newspaper, but they didn't have room. These are the comments I started with as we moved into his installation as pastor emeritus.

---------------------------------------

The idea of this celebration started shortly after I arrived and there were a lot of people with a lot of questions about what role would Leo have with this new pastor…

I had friends who had entered ministry before I did who told of coming to this church building and learning the basics of being a pastor and a preacher from Leo as he taught the Local Pastor Licensing School.

I had a DS and Pastor Hughie who had told me of Leo helping to fill in the gaps when someone was away or sick…

I had you, my new church family, telling me of times when Leo had been there for a baptism, a funeral, a graduation, or just there as a listening ear in important life moments.

And I knew that we needed to continue to involve Leo. I needed his knowledge of names… He actually, from memory, can help me figure out who someone is by explaining where they sit on Sunday morning. (In fact, he’s offered to make me a seating chart cause he knows who goes where…)

I needed his understanding of who to talk to in order to get a job done. He knows who is talented with hammers and who is expert with calculators.

I needed his help in finding those people who might need a pastoral visit who wouldn’t necessarily be comfortable calling the new preacher and asking me to come.

And with some folks, with their well-hidden homes, I needed his help to even find them… and to figure out how to get home again.

I started asking people how can we help Leo to understand that we, both the congregation and this new pastor, need him as a part of our ministry team.

Being ‘methodical,’ all pastors are listed in the conference journal with their pastoral record… so I looked him up and realized, without straining too hard with the math, that it was 50 years ago this month that he had been ordained… and 60 years ago he had been licensed, ready to serve as a pastor whenever the bishop might need him.

But you know… just like the social page in the newspaper doesn’t feature just anyone who had a wedding 50 years ago, but only those who CONTINUE to be married after 50 years… so we also wanted to make a distinction here with Leo.

YES, we celebrate his ordination five decades ago… before I was even born… but that’s only a part of the picture… For we also celebrate that the ministry of Jesus Christ is advanced by the way Leo Cramer continues, even though he’s entitled to an easy retirement and has earned a rest, this man CONTINUES to minister…

And we as a church have recognized him as a pastor emeritus because we understand, and want the world around us to understand, that the ministry of First United Methodist Church, is stronger because Leo is part of our team.

When I first approached Leo about this, he laughed and said that ‘pastor emeritus’ was just a polite way of saying, “Thanks but goodbye!” sort of a “Here’s your hat, what’s your hurry?”

But Leo, we declare to you today, that this title is all about a recognition of your fruitful ministry of the past and our belief that, with you on our team, we will together have a continued fruitful ministry together in the future.

Leo, we thank you.

Leo, we honor you.

Leo, we love you.

Leo, we need you.

Picture used with permission of Red Room Images, Reynoldsville, PA http://www.redroomimages.com/

God's Workman

Lord God, you have placed me in your church. You know how unsuitable I am. Were it not for your guidance I would long since have brought everything to destruction. I wish to give my heart and mouth to your service. I desire to teach your people, and long to be taught your work. Use me as your workman, dear Lord. Do not forsake me; for if I am alone I shall bring all to nought. Amen.

--Dayton Mix (2007) & Martin Luther (early 1500's, as quoted in the April 6th entry of The One Year Book of Personal Prayer, Tyndale, 1991)

Feeling Blue...

News of an area pastor committing suicide has reached us and it feels like my world has been rocked... again.

While I knew this particular pastor, I didn't really know his situation, nor his struggles... whatever they might have been. I simply knew who he was and appreciated his smile and laughter on the few times he and his wife would join our breakfast group a couple of churches ago. But then I moved, and he retired, and, like so many other pastors, I sort of lost touch.

And I have spent the past eight hours since I heard the news just thinking and meditating, praying and just feeling down... sad... depressed.

While I don't know his issues, I know mine. And, as the saying goes, "There, but for the grace of God, go I."

I was diagnosed a couple of years ago with a severe depression. The therapist I went to called me "high functioning" which I guess meant that you couldn't really tell from the outside just how depressed I really was. He talked about how people with scores like mine on the Beck Depression Inventory usually find themselves in the hospital ward just to make sure they don't commit suicide.

I haven't considered suicide as an option, not back then and not now. There were times when I hurt inside enough that I could understand Jonah's words when he said, "Therefore now, O LORD, please take my life from me, for it is better for me to die than live!" I wouldn't kill myself... but thought how nice it would be if God decreed that it was my time to go and 'poof' I didn't have to deal with the 'stuff' anymore.

There were issues from my childhood, relationships that had never been healed, decisions (and lack of decisions) from college times that have followed me, and then, change and loss... and as a pastor I experience A LOT of change (after all, we move for a living, right!) and there have been A LOT of losses. Loss of financial stability, loss of hope, loss of dreams, loss of friends, loss of stability. And a lot of funerals. Mostly for parishioners, but there have been some family members in there... my Grandpa Mix, Gay's dad Max, and her Grandma Beryl. And a miscarriage just a year before our son was born. And now-a-days, I understand much better the grief experienced with loss of health as I have gotten my first couple of tastes of arthritis, kidney stones, high blood pressure, gout, and recently, the cancer scare.

There are times when I feel SO alone out here in the hinterlands of rural America. I miss the comraderie and fellowship of having a group of us pastors that got together every week for breakfast. Sometimes it was more of a complaint session, but we could laugh about the messups and discuss what we might be able to do differently in this or that situation. And we weren't "Rev. This" or "Pastor That."

That's why it's been so important to deliberately seek out friends. People who aren't reliant on me for their spiritual care. Even when I don't feel like it, I know that there are times that I need to go to some activity just so that I don't become too introverted and inward focused. Especially in times when things seem to go wrong with the other Christians one finds in the church... when it's Christians who seem to be attacking or condemning or complaining. In the same way that our parishioners need to have encouragement, so do us pastors.

Part of my thinking and meditating this afternoon and evening is how far have I come? I feel better (as in better than I used to feel... not that I feel 'all better'). How have I gotten there? Because I suspect that I'm not the only pastor out there to experience the 'blues' or outright depression.

I think the number one thing I did that helped me begin to heal was to find someone who took me seriously that maybe I had something going on. Out of fairness, my wife had said I was depressed and needed to see a counselor for several years, but the defense mechanisms were well oiled that I couldn't hear her. It wasn't until my physician, my medical doctor, gave me a prescription for an anti-depressant that I was finally able to start the process.

And even then, I was looking at the need to lose weight, and recognized that I probably needed help to step away from the comfort-food/stress-eating times. He prescibed a low dose of prozac as a way of 'taking the edge off' in order to allow me the chance to walk through some of the issues.

It helped... some. It helped me enough to let me see that I was dealing with A LOT of unresolved issues that were weighing heavily on me... not because any of them were super-huge dilemmas, but rather because there was such a vast array of undealt with emotions and unresolved concerns that the sheer volume of them threatened to drown me in a sea of grief.

And it took ALL of my defense mechanisms to 'stay afloat.' Thus the comfort foods, etc. (and A LOT of extra weight gain).

That low dose of anti-depressant allowed me to realize that I needed to deal with the 'stuff' so I began seeing a counselor, mine happens to be a Christian psychologist, but there are many fine counselors who aren't Christian and many who come from a community counseling or sociology background rather than the psychology end.

With his help to unpack all the stuff in the closet of my mind and emotional storage center, I have been able to rethink through things that I hadn't dealt with since I was a kid, or a teen, or a mixed up (often inebriated) college kid... only this time to think them through with an adult perspective and adult coping skills. Those events and feelings and stuff are still there... and always will be... It's just that before I started this process, it was like they were haunting me and waiting for me from behind some hidden closet door in my mind. Now, after working through this process with medication and a counselor, those thoughts and feelings and memories are being sorted and rearranged and reevaluated and stored in a more orderly, understandable way... Rather than vague memories that haunt and hinder my growth, these rearranged and ordered thoughts and feelings can now serve as tools that help me find strength of character as I face the still unknown future.

Somewhere in the process, with the help of the counselor and the medicine, I began to be able to focus mentally enough again to be able to return to reading. And that, at least for me, has made a world of difference.

Some of the most helpful books have been:

• Antagonists in the Church: How to Identify and Deal With Destructive Conflict, Kenneth C. Haugk, Augsburg Fortress Publishers: 1988
• Becoming a Healthier Pastor: Family Systems Theory and the Pastor's Own Family (Creative Pastoral Care and Counseling Series), Ronald W. Richardson, Augsburg Fortress Publishers: 2004
• Clergy Killers: Guidance for Pastors and Congregations Under Attack, G. Lloyd Rediger, Westminster John Knox Press: 1997
• Coping With Depression, Siang-Yang Tan & John Ortberg, Baker Books: 2004
• Pastors in Pain, Gary D. Preston, Baker Books: 2005
• The Wounded Minister: Healing from and Preventing Personal Attacks, Guy Greenfield, Baker Books: 2001
• The Wounded Healer: Ministry in Contemporary Society, Henri Nouwen, Image (reissue): 1979
• The Other Side of Love: Handling Anger in a Godly Way, Gary Chapman, Moody: 1999
• They Smell Like Sheep: Spiritual Leadership for the 21st Century, Lynn Anderson, Howard Books: 2002
• Walking Through The Valley: Understanding and Emerging from Clergy Depression, Robert L. Randall, Abingdon Press: 1998.

Of course, there have been other books... some light easy to read books and some theological wonders... along with some C.S. Lewis and some J.R.R. Tolkein. But these were the biggies.

I have had to have my medication increased several times... I'm a big guy and it took a lot. I had to see my counselor pretty often there for awhile. But now, two and a half years later, along with some other healthier choices and a very understanding district superintendent that I've been able to be very honest with, I see my counselor only once in a while and am on the very lowest possible medicine dosage again.

Ultimately, it's my wife that's probably helped me the most... despite the times when I have all of the defenses going, thinking I'm being self-protective, it's usually my wife that alerts me when I'm starting to bottle things up and keep my feelings inside... and that's when I start to get 'sicker' with this depression. When she says she doesn't know what's going on inside of me, it's a red flag that I've been keeping it all in too much.

I am not completely healed. I still need a lot of healing and help. But as long as I don't isolate and allow myself to try and be some kind of a lone ranger, there's hope ahead for me.

And I don't believe I'm alone in the pastoral ranks in this realm either. Catch the words of Charles Wesley's song from 1749 about the Methodist pastors who would come together in conference once a year...

1. And are we yet alive, and see each other's face? Glory and thanks to Jesus give for his almighty grace!
2. Preserved by power divine to full salvation here, again in Jesus' praise we join, and in his sight appear.
3. What troubles have we seen, what mighty conflicts past, fightings without, and fears within,since we assembled last!
4. Yet out of all the Lord hath brought us by his love; and still he doth his help afford, and hides our life above.
5. Then let us make our boast of his redeeming power, which saves us to the uttermost, till we can sin no more.
6. Let us take up the cross till we the crown obtain, and gladly reckon all things loss so we may Jesus gain. http://gbgm-umc.org/umhistory/wesley/hymns/umh553.stm

After the busyness... looking for ME!

Now that the "Christmas Rush" is over, and so is the dire concern over whether or not I'll survive, I've started back in on my reading. I'm doing A LOT of reading. I'm catching up on magazines... I actually read alot of magazines while waiting in doctor's offices and hospital waiting rooms, but now I'm reading through recent magazines and newspapers. I've started to get some time worked back into my schedule to work on a chapter here and there of a pastoral counseling book, a book on continuing to work on growing as a husband and as a father, an audio book for the car trips, and even one on "Becoming a Healthier Pastor."

It's this last book, Becoming a Healthier Pastor: Family Systems Theory and the Pastor's Own Family by Ronald W. Richardson, which has captured me the most lately. Part of Fortress Press's Creative Pastoral Care & Counseling Series, this book has been revolutionary in its abiolity to explode misperceptions and unconscious anxieties within my own life and thinking... and how that impacts my family and my ministry.

I have spent a good ten years as a pastor, and more prior to that, experiencing 'righteous indignation' over the way things happen around me... the way a family member doesn't do what I know would be the best way or the way a parishioner ought to do something. This book starts off with a summary of the literature in this area by quoting Michael Kerr: "The more anxious, frustrated, judgmental, angry, overly sympathetic, or omnipotent one feels about the problems of others, the more it says about unresolved problems in self."

I wondered what he meant by us feeling "omnipotent" until I read a bit further and Richardson clarifies: "Omnipotence in this case means, 'I know what your problem is and what you need to do about it.'"

Ouch!

Throughout his first chapter, Richardson further develops the idea of how we learn as a child growing up in a family system certain ways to deal with the anxiety that comes when we feel threatened and the responses we learn during that time pretty much become the fall-back way of dealing with those same kinds of threats and anxieties as an adult... whether that means we distance ourselves, engage in power struggles, rebel, or try to cover up our own feelings and simply try to fit in. Each of those four are ways we typically respond when our anxiety increases.

Richardson goes on and explains the basics of family systems theory and its accompanying anxiety and reactivity and then notes that "differentiation of self... is the antidote to anxiety."

Differentiation of self is the process whereby we consciously evaluate why we react emotionally in certain ways and then make specific conscious choices as to how we choose to respond in those situations from now on. The argument that 'I get really angry and blow up because I have red hair' or because 'I'm Irish,' doesn't cut it. Differentiation says: I get angry and blow up because I choose to... Nobody, and nothing, makes me react in that way. (Neither can anyone make me angry, for that matter.)

The first chapter closes with Richardson returning to his starting point to illustrate how we as pastors can take our own anxieties and emotional reactions into the ministry setting. He writes:

"The Michael Kerr quote at the start of this chapter describes some of the conscious feeling reactions we can have to church members and situations. You may identify with and experience these feelings and attitudes. But there are other, less conscious patterns we carry with us that can cause just as much trouble. For example, these blind spots can occur quite easily while we are in the role of helping or caring for others. When, as pastors, we begin to give advice, sympathize with one side in other people's arguments, get stuck in their stories and try to figure out 'answers' for or with them, participate in triangles, become overinvolved with and overly supportive of them in their problems, or, conversely, try to distance and get out of the helping relationship, we are manifesting our lack of differentiation." --emphasis mine.

I'm just getting back into reading after a hiatus, so it's going to take me awhile... but I highly recommend this book for any pastor out there. Especially those of us who have felt 'omnipotent" at times.

JOY!

Three of today's lectionary readings talk about JOY.

Zephaniah 3:14-20 is a prophetic reminder that even in times of chastisement, like the exile that would soon come upon the people of ancient Judah, God still has a hope for them to hang on to. He reminds them that even in the tough times He is in their midst... He is with them through it all. therefore, they can "Sing... Shout... Be glad and rejoice!"

Isaiah 12:2-6 is one of those psalms that isn't located in the book of Psalms... but it also is a prophetic hymn of praise because it is the song that they will sing "in that day..." I noticed the theme of joy again in verse 3 where it says "with joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation." And then prophetically announces that "in that day you will... Praise... call upon... Declare... Make mention... Sing... Cry out and shout..."

Philippians 4:4-7 is Paul's famous reminder that Christians should rejoice... "and again I say rejoice!"

To top it all off, today was our children's Christmas 'program.' It seems they haven't done one during church in a long time, but after a hymn, the offering, and the prayer time, we 'changed gears' and focused on Christmas through the kids' eyes. It was a lot of work, especially since we did a themed presentation with a painted backdrop, props, parts, and the whole 9 yards. (We were on a tropical island for Christmas and it started with some of the teens complaining about no snow... no sledding... no skiing... etc. And that led us to what does it REALLY mean to celebrate Christmas... we had a skit with some 20 kids participating and several musical numbers and a time of prayer & dedication over prayer cloths and Christmas cards we're sending to some of our troops who'll be celebrating Christmas without snow).

But despite all of the work, when all was said and done, it was the joy of the kids that energized me. One little girl, who didn't want to be away from her mommy by being up on the platform, stood two feet away from the altar rail facing the rest of the kids and she literally jumped up and down with joy while we were singing. That kid radiated joy.

Christmas is a time of joy, but it's also the time when people find themselves feeling lonely and sometimes depressed after the loss of a loved one, or a job, or a health concern. Obviously, joy is not always synonymous with Christmas.

That's where these three scripture passages jump out at me... We, like those ancient ones who followed God and yet were facing tough times, need to deliberately learn to trust in and hang on to our God in the midst of whatever is happening. Like He says in Jeremiah 29, He has a "future and a hope" for those who trust in Him. Like Zephaniah reminded them back then, God is in their, and our, midst, even in the middle of the craziest and most confusing and trying of times. Like Isaiah and Philippians tell us, we need to make choices to grab a hold of the hope... and make our requests and needs made known to God... because then we can look forward to the answer from our God and the joy that comes with it!

REJOICE!!!