Toward a Theology of Levity

One of the Wesleyan theological bloggers I regularly follow is Craig Adams. I really identified with this blog post: Toward a Theology of Levity. Check it out!

Toward a Theology of Levity | Theology | Commonplace Holiness

Are We April Fools?

The fool has said in his heart, “There is no God.”
—Psalm 14:1/53:1

There’s a funny story that circulates around the internet about an atheist who is in court claiming discrimination since there are holidays for religious observances, but none for those who aren’t believers. The judge is reported to say that atheists in fact DO have a holiday: April Fool’s Day! The judge’s rationale is this verse from the Psalms.
It’s a cute story, even though I doubt it’s true.

As usual, April starts with this holiday celebrating foolishness and fun. But this year, within the first two weeks, we also have Easter. Holidays for non-believers AND believers alike!
But this idea of the fool has captured my attention. Nobody (that I know of) likes being called a fool. And yet, to the extent that we are still unbelievers… ones who doubt God… then we ARE fools.

Most of us involved with this church family would claim to be believer in God… in fact, we regularly use the Apostle’s Creed to reaffirm our beliefs. “I believe in God the Father… in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord… in the Holy Spirit...” We believe.
But if we are really honest with ourselves, there are many moments when we’re not sure WHAT to believe. There are so many different opinions on what it means to be a Christian, what you’re allowed to do or say, even what you can wear if you’re going to be a member of this group of Christians or that other group down the street. Many people look at the very same Bible we read and get an entirely different meaning than we do. What are we to do?

Ultimately I find myself in those moments remembering the father of a sick child asking Jesus for help and for healing. Jesus asked him “Do you believe?” And that father replied “I do believe… Help my unbelief.”

Isn’t that our situation so often? We DO believe… yet there are so many areas where our faith needs to keep growing and our believing needs help. We, like that father, can honestly say, I believe… Help my unbelief.

It is only the foolish ones that categorically decree that there is nothing in which to believe. And they are known as fools.

Let’s respond to God and his offer of help and healing through Jesus with those words: “I do believe… Help my unbelief!”

What i WISH I heard doctors say...

In case anyone has any doubt, the following is all intended to be humourous and the answers are not endorsed by any doctors I know of...
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Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. AND... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

My first try at sharing a video

Controlling the WORLD!!!!

I'm back!

The past month has been sort of tough. Spent some time just adjusting my own medicines (with my doctor, of course) and then a major overhaul of my basement and then my garage. And I FINALLY got the rest of the weight bench/machine set up. (It had to be taken apart for us to move in August 2006). Then in the past two weeks, there was a suicide, which made for an extremely hard funeral. And then I spent three days at a conference/continuing education event in Gettysburg. I'll share about that later on. For now, here is what caught my attention this morning from email. I can't verify the accuracy, but it's a great story!!!

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The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet,8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lineswere built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, andthat's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built thetramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for buildingwagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break onsome of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's thespacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the firstlong distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts,which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagonwheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a Specification/ Procedure/ Processand wonder "What horse's butt came up with it?" you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough toaccommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' butts.)

Now, the twist to the story: When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are twobig booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol attheir factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs wouldhave preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroadline from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains,and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is
about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is one of the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's butt. The width of a horse's butt controls almost everything the Romans did.....and today horses butts are still trying to control everything else!

I Did What You Told Me...

I did what you told me...

I sent all the emails to 10 people like you said.

I'm still waiting for that surprise & miracle to happen .

Unit Conversion

Every so often, I actually get an email that isn't a repeat and actually makes me laugh. Today was one of those times... Thanks Dorie!!!
ENJOY!!!

For all who have difficulty converting units:
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 million- microphones = 1 megaphone
2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
365.25 days = 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
52 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
2 monograms = 1 diagram
4 nickels = 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale UniversityHospital = 1 IV League
AND.......100 Senators = Not 1 decision

Update & Address Change

Since my last post, I've been to Annual Conference... and I have many thoughts and opinions that I'm STILL not ready to publicly post... let's just say that I was made to think during the conference... and God continues to speak! My daughter Michele has graduated from high school and my daughter Sarah is doing a leadership development program... somewhere between a boot camp and a military school setting. Josh continues to run and play... and has begun to explore more (including starting to climb out of his bedroom window after a toy one night after evening church). Gay continues to work as a counselor and I'm back to work... and doing pretty much a full day every day. And our church has publicly welcomed and celebrated the Rev. Leo C. Cramer on the 50th anniversary of his ordination as an elder in the Methodist connection... AND recognized him as "Pastor Emeritus." I have LOADS of posts running through my head about most of these events... but I'm still in "catch up" mode after being on sick leave for two months... so I want to share an inspirational email I received from a friend. Particularly appropriate at this time of moves and transitions in the Methodist clergy realm...

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I wanted to let everyone know that I have moved, and to give you my new address. I have moved from Beggars' Alley located on Poverty Lane at the corner of Bleak and Busted Circle. As of today, I have a brand new home.

My new address is: Living Well Drive in the Abundance Subdivision, located at the corner of Blessings Street and Thankful Peak.

You get there by taking the Praising Him Interstate, which runs North, South, East and West. No Longer will I allow myself to travel on Begging Peter to pay off Paul Route, because it's located at a dead-end intersection called: I Don't Have, that crosses Borrowers' Junction.

I no longer hang out at Failures' Place near Excuses Avenue, next to Procrastination Mall. I've moved on to an upscale community called Higher Heights with unlimited potential and opportunities for me to Succeed--look at me!!

Please know that each day that HE awakens me, I am thankful to be a product of my new environment. All of my clothes are MASTER TAILOR-MADE. I am dressed in life's finest.

Let me introduce you to all of my new neighbors: CONCEIVE IT, BELIEVE IT, ACT ON IT, HAVE FAITH, BE PERSISTENT, AND ALWAYS BE PREPARED TO ACHIEVE.

Life is good because: GOD IS GOOD!!!!! HAVE YOU MOVED TOO??? If not I pray that you will be moving soon!! HAVE A BLESSED DAY!

Why God Made Moms (A Survey Report)

I received this by email from a distant cousin who works with me on genealogy stuff via internet. Thanks, Lowell!

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BRILLIANT answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions.

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring

3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom?

1. We're related

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery

2. Diet You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

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OK... if you're still reading after this LONG of a post, then you need to call or visit or write your mom! Just Do It! Git-R-Done!

Church Fathers

OK... here is the other quiz Keith referenced in his blog...

You’re Origen! You do nothing by half-measures. If you’re going to read the Bible, you want to read it in the original languages. If you’re going to teach, you’re going to reach as many souls as possible, through a proliferation of lectures and books. If you’re a guy and you’re going to fight for purity … well, you’d better hide the kitchen shears. Find out which Church Father you are at The Way of the Fathers!

Superheroes!

I ran across a couple of quizzes on my friend Keith's blog and, since I was still trying to find my consciousness at 6:00 am on a Saturday morning, I decided to try them. This is the first one... Superheroes! Check it out!
Your results:
You are Superman

Superman 75% Hulk 75% Spider-Man 70% Green Lantern 70% Batman 65% Robin 52% Iron Man 50% Supergirl 42% Catwoman 35% The Flash 25% Wonder Woman 17%

You are mild-mannered, good, strong and you love to help others.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

Kudzu

One of my absolute favorite comic strips is KUDZU by Doug Marlette. In it, a teenaged boy in the South named Kudzu, learns about the world around him. There are different characters one might meet in a Southern small town, but my favorite is Rev. Will B. Dunn. Every so often he begins a prayer to the Almighty as "It's me, Lord, Thy Will B. Dunn..." I love it!

Our local newspaper doesn't carry this comic strip, so I subscribe online by email. CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE GO COMICS SITE AND SUBSCRIBE.

This southern pastor is Kudzu's confidante, coachs the church league sports teams, writes an advice-style "Ask the Preacher" column for his local paper, and he preaches, buries, marries, and counsels the variety of people in the town.

In any case, this is today's strip and here are a couple of others that are favorites of mine.

Tool Time?

One of the blessings of being a pastor in the United Methodist Church is that there are trustees who help keep up the buildings... including the parsonage. You see, I'm not much of a fix-it kind of guy. In fact, in my first church, after seeing me trying to fix something, the trustee chair liked to joke with me that his trustees could handle just about anything... as long as they didn't see the pastor with tools in his hands.

Again today that was evident. The trustees of this church were over here at the parsonage fixing a leak in the upstairs bathroom toilet. My entire contribution was to go downstairs at one point and turn the water main back on. (I did just fine, by the way!)

Anyway, it reminded me of the email I received the other day, so I share it with you my readers. From the sounds of it, I might not be the only guy who's tool-usage impaired.
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Guide to Men's Tools

1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatchingflat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chestand flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshlypainted part you were drying.

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhereunder the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprintwhorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "****!!!"

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in theirholes until you die of old age.

4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.

5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija boardprinciple: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal yourfuture becomes.

6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else isavailable, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting variousflammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to getthe bearing race out of.

8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars andmotorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2"socket you've been searching for, for the last 15 minutes.

9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the groundafter you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handlefirmly under the bumper.

10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever anautomobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglasfir.

12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has anotherhydraulic floor jack.

13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool forspreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your boots.

14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in boltholes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing thetensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.

16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount pryingtool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on theend without the handle.

17. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The homebuilder's own tanning booth. Sometimescalled droplight, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same ratethat 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hoursof the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name issomewhat misleading.

19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-stylepaper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, asthe name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.

20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in acoal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressedair that travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rustybolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at GM, and rounds them off or twists them off.

21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadaysis used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far fromthe object we are trying to hit.

24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents ofcardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well onboxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and the other hand not holding the knife.

*So there you have it: a complete description of the tools all men need, and occasionally use correctly.

The Second NOEL... a.k.a. Teens & Cats

On Monday, a co-worker gave my wife a just weened kitten. It's of the Asian Leopard family (mostly that is... It seems that after several pure-bred generations, this kitten's momma slipped out of the houseone night unchapperoned). My wife, Gay, has decided to name her "Noel."

That's Noel being held up for her introduction to the world by Sarah, and of course, the cat has already lost interest.

Anyways, the girls and Josh are having more fun watching this kitten than TV (Programming's better and with a cat, you know it'll be cleaner!)

I have NOTHING profound to say but am again just amazed at the joy of everyday life. YEAH GOD!!!

Watching the girls notice the way this kitten seems to have her own mind and will, reminded of this old joke that circulated years back when I was working in the public school. ENJOY!

TEENS AND CATS
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.
9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

The Toddler Diet

This post is in honor of my son who turned three yesterday and my doctor who (again) highlighted the importance of my losing weight. I wish I had been the one clever enough to author this, but alas, it was not me.

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THE TODDLER DIET

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days.

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.

Over the years you may have noticed that most three year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!

DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and cloth.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (three sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, four sips of flat Sprite.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina DogChow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: Drop pieces of spaghetti onto back of dog, insert meatball into ear. Dump pudding into Kool-Aid and suck up with a straw.

REPEAT DAYS AS NEEDED!