Finding the Right Words to Say

This morning, I ran across this article I found a few years ago in my urologist's office as I was having one of my semi-annual cancer followup appointments. (In fact, I just realized that I passed the 5 year cancer free point a couple weeks ago! I missed it!)

When I was going through my surgery and the pre-op and post-op times, there were a lot of people who said a lot of things to me. Some were pretty stupid. (Saying 'Everything has a reason' or 'God won't give you more than you can handle' are NOT comforting or helpful!)  Some comments were simply failed attempts to try to connect with me in a painful time... by turning the conversation away from me and what I was dealing with. (I don't really want to hear how you cousin's brother-in-law's father died of cancer! You came to visit me... I'm not there to visit whoever you just referenced. I'm already overwhelmed at just what I'm dealing with.) 


I KNOW that EVERYONE who came to visit chose to do so because of love and concern for me. I LOVED the visits, just not everything that was offered as 'support.'

The visitors I appreciated the most came, expressed how sorry they were that I had to face that crappy situation and asked me how  I  felt. They may or may not have prayed with me. Then, after 10-15 minutes they left me alone.


(There were so many that visited me that day after the surgery that I did't push the pain button so I could be somewhat conscious with the visitors, again, people that loved me and were concerned about me and I loved them for coming. By that night, when I was all alone and all anesthesia had worn off, I was in so much pain I would have gladly had someone just put me out of my misery. I repented for trying to stay alert to be able to visit with visitors!)

ALL of that to say, I really appreciated this article and wished I could have seen this myself when I started as a pastor 16 years ago. And I think there would be great benefit in requiring people to read it before they're allowed to visit someone.

It was written by Leslie Starsoneck and appeared in the July/August of 2009 issue of Coping magazine.

(Clicking the image should bring up a larger, readable version of the article.)

Remembering Mom's Final Chapter

We buried Mom on Friday at the Myrtle Cemetery just outside of Shinglehouse, PA. She had always wanted to be buried in a place where there would be shade... and she is literally under the boughs of the only tree. Josh is standing in about the spot where she ended up being buried. Many of my father's family (on my Grandma Mix's side) are buried throughout the cemetery, including my little brother who died at birth back in 1968.






Mom's pastor, the Rev. Dr. Norman Cox, of the Rixford Evangelical Church in Rixford, PA officiated for most of the service and I preached the eulogy (or message or sermon or naming or witness or whatever you want to call it!) Here are my notes...

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Memorial Service for Virginia Milne
August 8, 2008 11:00 a.m.
Howard’s Funeral Home
Shinglehouse, PA
The Rev. Dr. Norman Cox
The Rev. Dayton D. Mix

DAYTON’s Notes:
When a loved one dies, we expect there to be hurt, and loss, and deep pain. But as Christians, we do more than just grieve and bury our departed loved ones. We don't just gather to "pay our respects."

Sure, that‟s a PART of what we do, but as Christians, we deliberately gather together to do more than that, don't we?

As Christians, we come together to praise God for His promise of new life from death and for His promise of comfort and hope even when we walk through the darkest valleys of life, even the ones that are filled with shadows of death itself. And we celebrate the good life of the one who has departed from us.

This day, in this place, we are gathered because of our mom, our wife, our grandma, our great-grandma, our sister, our aunt, our neighbor, our friend: Virginia Pauline Peterson Milne.
We gather together because of her death, but not really. Because it wasn't in death that we loved this woman, was it?

The reason each of us is here today, for this time, is a reflection of her LIFE, not her death.
In her life, she touched us. In her life, she loved us, she cared for us, she prayed for us, and she gave to us.

These are issues of life, not death. These are the reasons we are here...

Because of her life.

SO I propose we acknowledge that she is gone from us, that she has "died" as they call it, but then let's move on to the reasons we are here. Because Virginia Milne's living out of her life affected us.

With that in mind, the Scripture text I share today is a little different than you might have heard at a funeral before… And yet, as I prayed about how Mom fit into the grand scheme of the Biblical story through the ages that continues right up to now, THIS is the passage that I believe God Himself shared with me about this remarkable lady we are here to celebrate.

READ: Hebrews 11:1-2 (NCV)
"Faith means being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even when we do not see it. Faith is the reason we remember great people who lived in the past."

Did you catch that?

Faith means being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even when we do not see it.

Mom had a HOPE stone… a token that reminded her that even in the midst of the lousiest circumstances, God never leaves us alone and He offers us HOPE… no matter what.

Even when things got bad towards the end, Mom never lost her hope… She constantly was heard saying, ?It's gonna get better… one way or another… It's gonna get better!?

She was SURE that there was HOPE with God… and she knew that healing and hope were real… even though she couldn't see it right then.

Sort of like being stuck in the cold drizzling rain at noon… You may not be able to see the sun… but the very fact that you can see the rain means that the sun IS out there somewhere on the other side of those clouds.

Well, Hebrews 11 goes on and talks about all of these heroes of faith throughout the Bible… Noah, Abraham, Joseph, Moses… and more.

So how does this relate to Mom?

Just this, every single one of these people listed in the great Hall Of Fame of Biblical Faith… was messed up…

Look at the people that God called great heroes of faith… Noah (who was a drunk), Abraham (who was a liar), Sarah (who laughed when she heard God‘s crazy plans), Isaac (who picked favorites between his sons), Jacob (who was a manipulative schemer), Moses (who was a runaway murderer who repeatedly let his anger get the best of him), Rahab (who was a prostitute), Gideon (who was a scaredy-cat), Barak (who hesitated when God said to do something), Samson (who was distracted by his temptations), Jephthah (who came from a ‗ad‘ family), David (who had an affair with another man‘s wife and then had him killed), and Samuel (who was great in the church, but didn‘t do very well in raising his kids).

GOD ALMIGHTY lists these same people who messed-up, as being the men and women of faith that we are supposed to look up to, and remember, and follow their example of faith.

If THEY are in that list, then today, as we remember Mom, who would NOT have claimed that she was the most religious person in the world and didn't always make perfect choices, DEFINITELY fits there too!

Because Mom was a REAL person wasn't she?

She was quick to share her real feelings… with pretty much ANYone… She could get angry in a moment‟ notice. She could come up with some pretty down-to-earth commentary on the world around her… whether it be a comment about doing what you sat down to do or get off the pot OR whether it be an exasperated exclamation, something like: WELL, DANG!‟

And if she was particularly animated, she would start pointing a finger at you… with that one sort-of-off-center pointer finger…

John Paul and Laura love telling the story of a time when they had argued or disagreed or something, and Mom kept getting more and more frustrated… and, somehow, as she got madder… they got her laughing… which made her madder still…

Mom was a woman in touch with her feelings. She wasn't perfect… but she was real.

And while we could probably all look back and tell each other some way that she wasn't what we expected or how she somehow disappointed us, we choose to offer our forgiveness for her failings… because she was simply human… just like ALL of us are.

She wasn't perfect.

But like those people in the Bible who were full of problems and mess-ups, and yet turned in faith to God and would later be called a hero of faith… So I believe Mom was as well. We can look to the Bible and read about all those people's real, everyday lives and the way they messed-up and yet still turned to God. Mom may not have been perfect, but there is much that we can learn from her as well.

It took me years to recognize it, but Mom knew Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. She had a deep spiritual hunger that only He could satisfy. She knew Him as a friend she could talk to and as someone she could go to for help. So she wasn't religious… that's OK, neither were most of the people on that list in the Bible either. They weren't considered faithful because they had done a bunch of religious things…

They were considered faithful because they knew God personally. That was Mom. She wasn't perfect, but she knew Him. And because of that, the Bible assures us that she will be with Him forever in Heaven…

And the Bible also says that any of us, who trust in Jesus Christ and allow Him to free us from our past by admitting we‟e messed up and asking God to forgive us, will know Him too!

Mom didn't have it so easy… she once told me that by the 11th grade, when she finally quit school, she had been in 17 different schools in her academic career. Between children's homes and foster homes, she had endured the chaos of constant moves and transitions… so she finally just said, enough. Years later, it would bother her so much that she had never graduated that she would go back and get her G.E.D. and celebrate her completion of high school the same day John Paul graduated from Demopolis High School. I can look at my mom and learn a lesson of going back and finishing the things I gave up on.

Mom taught us that family is a relative term. You choose to be family as much as being related to your family. As a foster child, she had learned that being part of a family wasn't dependent on sharing the same blood in your veins. Her final foster family, the home of Herb & Beulah Fuller, was to be the place that finally felt like home… Grandma Fuller once told me that my Mom had so become a part of their family, that Grandpa Fuller had worked things out to be able to claim her as a part of the family even on the tax forms… but then she decided to get married.

But the Fullers were family now... And Grandpa & Grandma Fuller, along with Uncle Calvin & Aunt Pat & Uncle Roddy & Aunt Wanda, and their families, were some of our closest friends and most faithful visitors. It didn't negate the relationships with the other relatives we were actually biologically related to… we simply had MORE aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents than most of our friends.

Mom also taught us a lot about believing in someone. I remember the early years after Mom & Dad separated, and then divorced. Not everyone she picked to hang out with had their act together very well. Even when Norm finally came on the scene, he… well... still had some rough edges. But Mom had seen the kind of man he could, and would, become… and she believed in who he was becoming… She saw more… She saw the HOPE… And this woman, after three marriages that hadn't worked out, showed us what it means to be committed to someone and stay with them "through richer or poorer" and "for better or for worse…"

And Norm in turn, has taught us what it means "to have and to hold…, in sickness or in health…, till death do us part…"

And I can look back on their marriage and pray that my wife and I can be as absolutely consumed with each other and dedicated to each other as these two have been for more than thirty-three years.

Mom has taught us how to face adversity and sickness as well. She was the most positive person I have ever known in the face of cancer. She faced this disease not as a death sentence, but as one more obstacle that just needed to be overcome. And like Job in the Bible, the disease never did overcome her… She was still who she was inside… No disease could change her.

And Mom knew the God of Hope had promised healing… and she hoped, and she prayed, and she trusted, and she believed.

Some might say, but she died! How can you talk about her hope and healing?

Let me use the words of Hebrews 11…

Each one of these people of faith died not yet having in hand what was promised, but still believing. How did they do it? They saw it way off in the distance, waved their greeting, and accepted the fact that they were transients in this world. People who live in this way make it plain that they are looking for their true home. If they were homesick for the old country, they could have gone back any time they wanted. But they were after a far better country than that—heaven country. You can see why God is so proud of them, and has a City waiting for them.
–Heb 11:13-16 (MSG)

Her hope wasn't just in doctors and medicines… Her hope was in the God of healing behind those doctors… And just like there are times that a beginning pianist can really nail a piece of music, there are some musical works that only a skilled and practiced pianist with years of experience can master.

Mom knew that the doctors and medicines we have available are like that beginner musician… pretty good at what they‟e mastered so far… and WAY OUT OF THEIR LEAGUE when it comes to some of the harder and more complicated sicknesses, illnesses, and injuries that the Devil Himself tries to throw at us.

Like those people in the Hall of Faith in Hebrews 11, Mom knew that ultimately the healing she would have to have would be from God Himself. And there was a possibility that the earthly physicians wouldn't be able to do everything that she would need in order to be healed.

She knew that she knew that God would heal her… and she hoped it would be here, through earthly doctors… but she was just as certain that even if it wasn't that way, she would STILL be healed. Her faith never waivered on that point. The Great Physician had promised… and therefore she had something she could HOPE in… Someone she could Hope in!

But one last thought, before we finish… In the Bible, it says that for all those people who had received the promise… but hadn't seen it completed yet, it also goes on to conclude:

Not one of these people, even though their lives of faith were exemplary, got their hands on what was promised. God had a better plan for us: that their faith and our faith would come together to make one completed whole, their lives of faith not complete apart from ours. –Heb 11:39-40 (MSG)

Mom's promise of hope continues in those of us here today… Hope for our marriages, hope for our families, hope for our healing, hope for our eternity… Let's take what she learned by trial and error and through struggle and pain and let's use that which she learned to help us in our lives… because, as Scripture says, we are part of the legacy of her life because we are part of the promise she saw and hoped for.

If we KNOW God like Mom did… if we have admitted that we have had messed up lives and need God to forgive us, then we can know Him! THAT's what we mean when we talk about having faith… or being saved!

It's simply knowing Him! That's faith!

Let's put her faith together with our faith… her life together with ours… and let's see the completion of the promise…

For those who know Jesus as Lord & Savior, we WILL see Mom again…for Heaven is offered to all who ask Him for forgiveness and allow Him to be their Lord.

I look forward to that day when I get to see her again…

For this woman WAS, without a doubt, one of the heroes of faith… Her life, and her faith, have been used by God to form me and help me grow up in as a Christian… and make me who I am today…

and I'm going to miss her…

(PHOTO: My wife, Gay, and my Mom, Virginia, at her church's Mother-Daughter banquet just a couple of months ago. This is about the only picture she ever liked that showed her in her wig)

Prayer Request

The doctors informed us yesterday that there was nothing more they could do for my mother at the hospital. So they released her to go home. Visiting nurses and hospice are our connection to the medical community now. The doctor thought we only had a couple hours but so far she has gotten her strength back a little. The cancer in her lung is NOT gone, and the tumors that spread to her brain have been somewhat controlled by the radiation... but it is her heart that's doing her in. Her heart is simply racing most of the time... sort of burning her out. They tried the medicine that they use for that with other people, but then her heart rate started to have 20 to 30 second stops where the EKG was literally a straight line. So she's at home, and she feels better just by being able to get some rest and by having family home. My brother lives close to her and his daughter, her boyfriend, and my brother's granddaughter are all up from Demopolis, Alabama. My sister got in on Thursday from Montgomery, Alabama with her son. Josh and I are hanging out as much as possible... I'm taking vacation for a while in order to be with her as much as I can.

Please pray for a peaceful end and for healing and comfort in our family.

Cancer Update

I went yesterday afternoon for my follow-up appointment with the urologist and got the results of all the 6 month follow-up testing... just to make sure there aren't any surprises with the cancer. RESULTS: Everything looks good! No sign of anything abnormal! YAY GOD!!!

A Year To Be Thankful

“… So I will go about Your altar, O Lord, that I may proclaim with the voice of thanksgiving, and tell of all Your wondrous works.” —Psalm 26:7 (NKJV)

At this time last year, I was oblivious to the fact that a cancerous tumor had invaded my left kidney and had already begun the process of killing me. But a sudden kidney stone attack in the other kidney forced me to the ER where a visiting urologist just happened to be on duty… and he just happened to notice a shadow on the cat scan that prompted him to do further testing. And because of several of those “just happened” kinds of moments, the surgeons were able to remove that affected kidney and effectively killed what turned out to be a rare form of kidney cancer before it ever made it out of the collecting duct tubule where it had implanted itself. We caught it so early that I didn’t even have to do chemotherapy or radiation treatments.

Most of you already know that story. In fact, many of those who read this letter were actually ones who were actively praying for me as I went through this process. You prayed, you called, you visited, you wrote. And again, I thank you. You can’t possibly know how much healing came into my life and my family just through your love and care. I truly thank God for this congregation.

Now for the challenge that you look for in a reflection like this… As I remembered this past year, and all of the seeming coincidences and “just happened” kinds of moments, I marvel at how God was quietly working behind the scenes. In the same way that God sort of egged on Satan in the book of Job, and Job then endured testing and trials, I see a similarity here. Yes, God allowed Job to be tested by Satan, but only because He knew that Job could “pass the test.” Satan wasn’t permitted to lay a finger on Job until God knew for certain that Job would be able to face the trial of his faith successfully.

In the same way, it seems that somehow Satan got permission to afflict my body with that tumor… I hope I dealt with it as successfully and graciously as Job did with his trials. But it hit me… God set me up to find out about it. I shouldn’t have known it was there until a week or two before I died. And there would have been nothing I could have done at that point. But here I am. God set me up with the right doctor visiting at the right hospital at the right time to treat the presenting problem of a kidney stone AND to spot the secret tumor. Coincidence? I think not! God set me up!

I’m not the only one to experience this phenomenon, am I? I’ve heard different ones share stories about how there seemed to be coincidence after coincidence in their life, and they recognized it was simply God, behind the scenes, setting them up for blessings!

In the scripture passage above, the psalmist goes to the altar. Old Testament worship suggests that when they would go to the altar they presented a gift to God. And then, with the “voice of thanksgiving” he goes out to proclaim all the wondrous works God has done in his life. This year, I’m following the example of this psalmist. I’m making a special Thanks Offering and then going out and sharing how awesome our God is… and how much we can trust Him and lean on Him… in whatever circumstance we find ourselves.

How about you? How has God been working in your life? How can you offer Him thanks? How can you share the good news of His wondrous works? How about joining with us and giving your thanks?

Status Report

It's been a wild couple of months! By looking at my blog posts you might think I've pretty much dropped off of the face of the earth... I'm still here... just busy and somewhat preoccupied.

We've celebrated Michele's graduation with a great party with our family and some friends coming from some of our former churches to wish her well and even a family from the Corry area who lived down the street from us when we adopted the girls who knew us before we were in the pastoral ministry... that was A LOT of fun!

Sarah left July 3rd for a Leadership Development program (sort of a military school setting) and we finally were able to visit this past week. (It's over 3 1/2 hours away from us!) She's still settling in and adjusting to the different routines.

Josh is finally 'getting it' with this whole potty training thing. PRAISE THE LORD!!!!

My mom is going through intensive chemotherapy to deal with her lung cancer... I guess the doctor says they've pretty much wiped it out... now they just simply want to try and make sure it never comes back (as best as anyone can ensure that at this point in medical history). She has a GREAT attitude and has become quite an inspiration for me.

Our church has just come through Vacation Bible School... a joint VBS with the Presbyterian and Christian Missionary Alliance churches in town (along with a stray Lutheran who just wanted to help out). They did SONFORCE KIDS where the theme is centered on the idea that we are all called to be special agents for Jesus Christ. Phenomenal excitement with those kids! (And they even had classes for the teens and the adults!) Last year I got to come each night for their VBS and it was just as wonderful and energy packed. One of the neatest things is to hear some of the music being hummed or sung by kids (and adults) afterwards!

We have finally finished the preliminaries of our building project... Any day we expect to have the permit in hand and break ground for our elevator/entranceway project on the church building. In anticipation, we have been cleaning out storage closets and garages so that we can compact our 'stuff' and be able to get to everything we might need when a whole section of our building becomes inaccessible because of construction. I am AMAZED at how much STUFF can be collected. Thus far, we've filled two huge dumpsters (the big roll off kind)... and of course, we weren't throwing away everything... so that gives you some idea of how much stuff we'd accumulated!

I've now been back to work just over a month and am pretty much back to the full swing of things. Having missed two complete months, I've had A LOT to do in the office end of the ministry, but I have gotten back to some visitation. Part of my problem is that I still get tired easily... so I do what I can and then back off for a little bit and then go again. A couple of times I've simply laid down for a nap when Josh does.

One more note: The Mix family has bought a camper... it's a pop-up style and I get to pick it up later today and we're taking it to Cherry Run Camp for what remains of the 2007 campmeeting. When our last pop-up reached the point where it needed more help than either gay or I could give it, we sold it. That was about 2001. We've tried the tent thing somce then, but with the changes in our health (especially in the sleeping) the tenting just wasn't working. Hopefully this allows us to use our days off and the occasional vacation to get out of the parsonage and "Be Still" and take some "Sabbath Rest."

That's the way things are here...

A Final Diagnosis...FINALLY!!!!

On Tuesday I got a call from Pittsburgh and the pathology report came back after being reviewed by Johns Hopkins Cancer Center and then on Friday I got the paper copy of the report itself.

YES the mass in my kidney WAS a cancer. A Renal Cell Carcinoma that they hadn't seen before... it looked a lot like an oncocytoma (just a benign non-threatening kind of tumor that you shouldn’t have to worry about), yet it was really a malignant cancer.

BUT... it was caught so early that it apparently hadn't had a chance to even invade the surrounding kidney cells, let alone make it to the urinary tract or the incoming arteries or the outgoing veins... or any of those other places. AND since we just simply removed the whole thing, it CAN'T spread!

No chemo, no radiology, nothing but get double checked every 6 months for the next three years... (like a CT scan and an ultrasound). THAT's IT!!!!

We're praising God on this end!!!!

DAYTON

Hospital Notes

on Monday, Gay & I got to Pittsburgh at about 5:30 am with my surgery set for 7:30.

the surgery went well (or so they told me). I now have some laproscopic holes and some normal incisions on my left side where the kidney actually came out.

and LOTS OF STAPLES!

a friend (Keith) met us there, so even after I left, she didn't have to wait alone.

People from ALL OVER have sent cards, flowers, phoned, and visited! WOW!!!

THANKS!!!!!

The Health Saga Continues...

OK... I realize there are a few people who follow this blog from some of the far away places where we used to live just to keep up with the Mix family health situation.

(to view ALL health updates PLUS this one, click HERE)

What an update we have today!

Gay is fine.

Michele is fine.

Sarah is fine.

Josh is fine.

I, on the other hand, have several things going on.

Sunday night I did a sleep study. I went to the hospital and they put wires and cables and monitors on me and watched (and listened and recorded) me sleeping. Turns out that I have a pretty severe sleep apnea condition... helps explain the falling asleep accident last month and all of the headaches and yawning and feeling tired that I've had for such a long time. Tonight I go back to be calibrated for settings on a CPAP machine (continuous positive air pressure). That should help a lot I'm told.

A month ago my local urologist called and wanted me to have a biopsy done on my kidney. He was concerned that the Pittsburgh hospital had not repeated the ultrasound that had caused the DuBois hospital to suspect kidney cancer to start with. SO... they did a CT guided needle biopsy on Feb. 7th. Took quite a while to get test results back, because the limited amount of tissue in the needle biopsy wasn't quite enough to be definite about a diagnosis... So they shipped the slides off to Pittsburgh to UPMC for a second opinion. Three different people there came back with three different opinions. One was that the alleged cysts were actually an oncocytoma (a benign tumor). The other two opinions were both kidney cancer. What was certain, though, is that what had appeared to be cysts were solid and you can't just watch them forever.

At this point, the plans started to change... you see, research is now showing that most kidney cancers start as benign tumors... so the recommended treatment for ANY of the possibilities is removal of the mass/tumor/cancer. I went today to Allegheny General Hospital and met with the urology surgeon I met with before and he agreed.

SO... once Easter is over, and I have time to do the pre-op stuff that needs to be done, I'll be having my left kidney removed.

WELL... I have about 5 minutes left before I have to head for the hospital for this followup sleep study. Sometime I'll share what a miracle it has been (or agnostics might say what an amazing set of 5 coincidences all in a row).

gotta go!

Feeling Blue...

News of an area pastor committing suicide has reached us and it feels like my world has been rocked... again.

While I knew this particular pastor, I didn't really know his situation, nor his struggles... whatever they might have been. I simply knew who he was and appreciated his smile and laughter on the few times he and his wife would join our breakfast group a couple of churches ago. But then I moved, and he retired, and, like so many other pastors, I sort of lost touch.

And I have spent the past eight hours since I heard the news just thinking and meditating, praying and just feeling down... sad... depressed.

While I don't know his issues, I know mine. And, as the saying goes, "There, but for the grace of God, go I."

I was diagnosed a couple of years ago with a severe depression. The therapist I went to called me "high functioning" which I guess meant that you couldn't really tell from the outside just how depressed I really was. He talked about how people with scores like mine on the Beck Depression Inventory usually find themselves in the hospital ward just to make sure they don't commit suicide.

I haven't considered suicide as an option, not back then and not now. There were times when I hurt inside enough that I could understand Jonah's words when he said, "Therefore now, O LORD, please take my life from me, for it is better for me to die than live!" I wouldn't kill myself... but thought how nice it would be if God decreed that it was my time to go and 'poof' I didn't have to deal with the 'stuff' anymore.

There were issues from my childhood, relationships that had never been healed, decisions (and lack of decisions) from college times that have followed me, and then, change and loss... and as a pastor I experience A LOT of change (after all, we move for a living, right!) and there have been A LOT of losses. Loss of financial stability, loss of hope, loss of dreams, loss of friends, loss of stability. And a lot of funerals. Mostly for parishioners, but there have been some family members in there... my Grandpa Mix, Gay's dad Max, and her Grandma Beryl. And a miscarriage just a year before our son was born. And now-a-days, I understand much better the grief experienced with loss of health as I have gotten my first couple of tastes of arthritis, kidney stones, high blood pressure, gout, and recently, the cancer scare.

There are times when I feel SO alone out here in the hinterlands of rural America. I miss the comraderie and fellowship of having a group of us pastors that got together every week for breakfast. Sometimes it was more of a complaint session, but we could laugh about the messups and discuss what we might be able to do differently in this or that situation. And we weren't "Rev. This" or "Pastor That."

That's why it's been so important to deliberately seek out friends. People who aren't reliant on me for their spiritual care. Even when I don't feel like it, I know that there are times that I need to go to some activity just so that I don't become too introverted and inward focused. Especially in times when things seem to go wrong with the other Christians one finds in the church... when it's Christians who seem to be attacking or condemning or complaining. In the same way that our parishioners need to have encouragement, so do us pastors.

Part of my thinking and meditating this afternoon and evening is how far have I come? I feel better (as in better than I used to feel... not that I feel 'all better'). How have I gotten there? Because I suspect that I'm not the only pastor out there to experience the 'blues' or outright depression.

I think the number one thing I did that helped me begin to heal was to find someone who took me seriously that maybe I had something going on. Out of fairness, my wife had said I was depressed and needed to see a counselor for several years, but the defense mechanisms were well oiled that I couldn't hear her. It wasn't until my physician, my medical doctor, gave me a prescription for an anti-depressant that I was finally able to start the process.

And even then, I was looking at the need to lose weight, and recognized that I probably needed help to step away from the comfort-food/stress-eating times. He prescibed a low dose of prozac as a way of 'taking the edge off' in order to allow me the chance to walk through some of the issues.

It helped... some. It helped me enough to let me see that I was dealing with A LOT of unresolved issues that were weighing heavily on me... not because any of them were super-huge dilemmas, but rather because there was such a vast array of undealt with emotions and unresolved concerns that the sheer volume of them threatened to drown me in a sea of grief.

And it took ALL of my defense mechanisms to 'stay afloat.' Thus the comfort foods, etc. (and A LOT of extra weight gain).

That low dose of anti-depressant allowed me to realize that I needed to deal with the 'stuff' so I began seeing a counselor, mine happens to be a Christian psychologist, but there are many fine counselors who aren't Christian and many who come from a community counseling or sociology background rather than the psychology end.

With his help to unpack all the stuff in the closet of my mind and emotional storage center, I have been able to rethink through things that I hadn't dealt with since I was a kid, or a teen, or a mixed up (often inebriated) college kid... only this time to think them through with an adult perspective and adult coping skills. Those events and feelings and stuff are still there... and always will be... It's just that before I started this process, it was like they were haunting me and waiting for me from behind some hidden closet door in my mind. Now, after working through this process with medication and a counselor, those thoughts and feelings and memories are being sorted and rearranged and reevaluated and stored in a more orderly, understandable way... Rather than vague memories that haunt and hinder my growth, these rearranged and ordered thoughts and feelings can now serve as tools that help me find strength of character as I face the still unknown future.

Somewhere in the process, with the help of the counselor and the medicine, I began to be able to focus mentally enough again to be able to return to reading. And that, at least for me, has made a world of difference.

Some of the most helpful books have been:

• Antagonists in the Church: How to Identify and Deal With Destructive Conflict, Kenneth C. Haugk, Augsburg Fortress Publishers: 1988
• Becoming a Healthier Pastor: Family Systems Theory and the Pastor's Own Family (Creative Pastoral Care and Counseling Series), Ronald W. Richardson, Augsburg Fortress Publishers: 2004
• Clergy Killers: Guidance for Pastors and Congregations Under Attack, G. Lloyd Rediger, Westminster John Knox Press: 1997
• Coping With Depression, Siang-Yang Tan & John Ortberg, Baker Books: 2004
• Pastors in Pain, Gary D. Preston, Baker Books: 2005
• The Wounded Minister: Healing from and Preventing Personal Attacks, Guy Greenfield, Baker Books: 2001
• The Wounded Healer: Ministry in Contemporary Society, Henri Nouwen, Image (reissue): 1979
• The Other Side of Love: Handling Anger in a Godly Way, Gary Chapman, Moody: 1999
• They Smell Like Sheep: Spiritual Leadership for the 21st Century, Lynn Anderson, Howard Books: 2002
• Walking Through The Valley: Understanding and Emerging from Clergy Depression, Robert L. Randall, Abingdon Press: 1998.

Of course, there have been other books... some light easy to read books and some theological wonders... along with some C.S. Lewis and some J.R.R. Tolkein. But these were the biggies.

I have had to have my medication increased several times... I'm a big guy and it took a lot. I had to see my counselor pretty often there for awhile. But now, two and a half years later, along with some other healthier choices and a very understanding district superintendent that I've been able to be very honest with, I see my counselor only once in a while and am on the very lowest possible medicine dosage again.

Ultimately, it's my wife that's probably helped me the most... despite the times when I have all of the defenses going, thinking I'm being self-protective, it's usually my wife that alerts me when I'm starting to bottle things up and keep my feelings inside... and that's when I start to get 'sicker' with this depression. When she says she doesn't know what's going on inside of me, it's a red flag that I've been keeping it all in too much.

I am not completely healed. I still need a lot of healing and help. But as long as I don't isolate and allow myself to try and be some kind of a lone ranger, there's hope ahead for me.

And I don't believe I'm alone in the pastoral ranks in this realm either. Catch the words of Charles Wesley's song from 1749 about the Methodist pastors who would come together in conference once a year...

1. And are we yet alive, and see each other's face? Glory and thanks to Jesus give for his almighty grace!
2. Preserved by power divine to full salvation here, again in Jesus' praise we join, and in his sight appear.
3. What troubles have we seen, what mighty conflicts past, fightings without, and fears within,since we assembled last!
4. Yet out of all the Lord hath brought us by his love; and still he doth his help afford, and hides our life above.
5. Then let us make our boast of his redeeming power, which saves us to the uttermost, till we can sin no more.
6. Let us take up the cross till we the crown obtain, and gladly reckon all things loss so we may Jesus gain. http://gbgm-umc.org/umhistory/wesley/hymns/umh553.stm

AND THE RESULTS ARE IN...

This has been a remarkable week! God has used his people and the medical establishment to humble me... and bless me.

FIRST, on Friday (12/15) The Rev. Dick Burns, one of our Western PA UM evangelists and one of my personal heroes and mentors in the ministry, stopped into my office to see me and because he wanted to lay hands on me and pray for me. I was so humbled and in awe... He shared words of encouragement, a loving embrace of brother for brother, and, as only Dick can do, he shared laughter with me. What a blessing this man of God is!!!

SECOND, on Sunday (12/17), the Reynoldsville church family here at First UMC surprised and humbled me... and left me speechless all at the same time! (And making a preacher speechless is a pretty amazing feat!)

They presented a handmade prayer shawl to me as a constant reminder of the fact that THEY were praying for ME as I went through the medical uncertainties of my life right now... In fact, the prayer shawl itself had been prayed over before it was presented, that it would be a healing blessing every time I prayed with it. Turns out that this is one of the many ministries here at this church that go on in the background pretty silently... and yet faithfully.

Then, after the service was over, about 50 some people stayed after and waited until I was done shaking hands and stuff and came and got me and asked me to meet them at the altar rail. Led by the retired pastor we have in residence here in Reynoldsville, The Rev. Leo C. Cramer, this group gathered around and laid hands on me and prayed... for God to expose anything hidden as I was about to go for further testing and then planning for expected surgery and possible removal of my kidney if things were as bad as they seemed to be. And then they prayed that God would just bring about healing and surprise everyone.

Finally, it turns out that as I was in Pittsburgh all day today (12/19) for the testing and the consults, they were having a prayer vigil throughout the day here at home. They had divided up the day into half-hour increments and there was at least one person praying for every minute of this day. WOW!!!

THIRD, today, we actually went for the tests and the surgical consult. When all was said and done (and we're talking leaving home at 7:00 am and returning at 9:30 pm) the tests exposed that there wasn't one mass, but rather two. One mass is about 2 centimeters and the other one is about 4-5 centimeters. But, both were diagnosed as cysts... benign cysts is all they are! So the hidden has been exposed and all that had looked to require surgery and removal has either been healed or they made a big mistake to start with!

With this diagnosis, they don't have to do anything! They'll have me redo the tests in six months and then, if the tests are clear, we'll repeat it again in another six months... but that's it!

I probably need a lot of time to completely process all of this... but WOW! What a week!

Followup with the doctor

OK... Yesterday, I went to Pittsburgh and saw the urology specialist. He looked at my CT scan and ultrasound from DuBois and agrees that there is SOMETHING there. Maybe a cyst, maybe a benign tumor kind of thing, maybe a full-blown kidney cancer on my left kidney.

The thing is, the DuBois testing was all centered around finding out about a kidney stone in the right kidney and they 'just happened' to notice this other thing. But for the specialist to really hone in and explore the options and possibilities, he needs some more specifically focused testing on the actual left kidney now. Makes sense. The various testing offices at Allegheny General were all closed by the time I got done with my appointment, so we can't even try to schedule these tests until later today.

He did say that whatever it is, it LOOKS like it's pretty deep into the kidney, so if it is something that needs to be removed, we probably need to take the whole kidney.

As for feelings and such, I've had a pretty calm sense of presence through this whole thing thus far. As I've already posted, I'm pretty convinced that God's got his hand in all this... even to the point of drawing people's attention to this hidden disease that grows without visible symptoms.

But I confess there are moments when I wonder 'What If...?' If this were the absolute worst news what would happen? I'd die. OK, for me that's not so bad... Heaven, Christ, Eternity. I guess that means I win! (Not that I am in a hurry to get there! And I sure hope God hasn't finished with me here on earth yet... It's hard to believe I've already accomplished all he had in mind for me!)

But two things sort of stick in my throat, if you will, about what if I were to die. First, at three years old, my son wouldn't even remember who I was. That's a tough thought to swallow.

Secondly, my family would be homeless. As a pastor, my living arrangements (and my family's of course) are provided for as a part of my job. If I were to die, then they have no place to live and their source of financial support is gone. I have not done a good job of providing for my family in this area. I (currently) have no will, no guardian set up for my kids if something happened to both my wife and I, no savings set up for them to be able to buy a place to live... nothing.

I was especially convicted about this when I got to the Bible this morning and stumbled on Proverbs 13:22 which says: "A good man leaves an inheritance for his children's children, but a sinner's wealth is stored up for the righteous."

What have I left for my children? Let alone their children?

I suspect I'm not alone on this. As pastors, we need to get ALL the details of ministering to our families into the IMPORTANT TO DO list as much as reports and parishioner visitation and church budgets.

I continue to covet your prayers and will continue to post as we continue on in this journey...

Thank You God... For Kidney Stones!?!?!?!?

OK... Saturday evening, around 8:30, my kidney stone passed! I'm sure friends of mine in far off places could hear the strains of HALLELUJAH! on the wind!

In any case... It was just a couple of weeks ago that I preached that we should be "Thankful in ALL things." Now I've been challenged, how am I giving thanks for this past week? Specifically, how do I give thanks for a kidney stone?

Well, after my recent doctor's appointment, I have a found a way to do that very thing. It seems that when the doctors were running all their tests, particularly a CAT Scan, they noticed something like a cyst or something over on the other kidney. I didn't think much of it (as you may recall I was entirely focused on the 2 mm. kidney stone in the right kidney).

I have met with the urologists and my own physician since then and it turns out that kidney cancer starts out like that. It seems that kidney cancer is not easily spotted in its early stages. And by the time actual noticeable symptoms of kidney cancer appear, it's usually far too late to do anything. The only way the docs can successfully treat kidney cancer is IF they HAPPEN to notice a cyst or such while doing some other procedure or test. So there I was with a kidney stone and they did the appropriate tests and saw this cyst-looking thing on the other kidney! And they noticed it only because I had a stone! So... THANK GOD FOR A KIDNEY STONE!!!

Now, before we go any further, nobody says I have kidney cancer... I might... I might not. It might be just a cyst (in which case they do nothing) or a benign tumor kind of thing or perhaps cancer itself.

But now, at least, we know that there is a chance... which gives us the information we need in order to follow up and go through other tests. The point here isn't do I or don't I have it. The point is that God Almighty can use any situation for his glory and I believe this recent experience with a kidney stone is further proof of that.

I see a urology specialist next week in Pittsburgh to decide how to proceed and to see how they interpret the tests. I imagine we'll have more tests to do.

I invite you to keep me in your prayers...